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User talk:Anon1798
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Lambs House page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 01:46, October 18, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:53, October 18, 2017 (UTC) :There was a massive amount of capitalization (words not properly capitalized), punctuation (punctuation missing from dialogue, apostrophes missing from possessive words, quotations misused, etc.), wording (awkward wording, incorrect wording, etc.), formatting, and story issues that resulted in your story failing to meet our quality standards. If you want, I can write a more detailed listing of these issues with examples. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:05, October 18, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story Capitalization: You fail to capitalize "I" when using it a lot of the time. "If i (I) knew then what i (I) know now, I would have never taken this case.", "Despite how I feel now, i (I) was thrilled to get an actual case that didn't involve me sitting in a car for 12 hours, this was my shot.", "We fit all of the typical buddy cop stereotypes, for example, he was white and i am black.", "He was quirky and goofy while i was serious and reserved", etc. ""You all should go play in the yard, mama (Mama) has to have an adult conversation." Punctuation: You forget to use punctuation in dialogue a majority of the time. ""This one is definitely having relationship issues(comma missing)" I thought to myself.", ""Have you gone to the police(?)" i asked her while trying to hold back my excitement.", "I did 5 months ago when she first went missing, I called them everyday but eventually they stopped picking up(,)" she explained to me.", "What's up with this creep(?)" I said in my head, without responding to him out loud. "You don't remember me do you? It's Adrian(period missing)", etc. Punctuation issues cont.: You also forget to introduce dialogue with a comma or colon. "The last thing she said to me before leaving my office was(,/:) "Please, please find my baby".", "He laughed(,/./:) "You should sit man, we have a lot of catching up to do"", "He responded(,/:) "Let it go, just let the case die"", etc. Punctuation end.: There are other mechanical issues with the punctuation, but I'm only going to point out a few more miscellaneous examples as this is getting to be pretty long. "After a full day(apostrophe missing)s worth of asking around" ""What the hell are you talking about? Why are you saying this to me?'(should be a double quotation mark)." Wording: "I would know a lot about the monsters of the world, it(')s the nature of my job, kinda" Ampersands shouldn't be used in a literary format unless you're detailing a note. "Adrian & I met in 3rd grade, and unfortunately we were forced to part ways the summer before 8th grade.", "While playing what I will have to say over &over in my head, a man walked into the bar." Awkward wording: "The court decided to grant his father custody of him and him only, his two siblings on the other hand was to live with his mother.", "Not only work extremely long hours which prevents me from socializing, nobody really likes P.I.s all that much", "Sam and the other parents were extremely thankful and has (have) since been more protective of their kids.", etc. I would suggest reading your story aloud to catch the other instances of awkward wording. Wording issues cont.: "I'm a Private Investigator, and usually the most vile type of people I deal with are usually just a cheating husband or wife." (this needs to be re-written as the previous sentence before it is: "I would know a lot about the monsters of the world, its the nature of my job, kinda." which unintentionally implies that the cheating husbands and wives are the most vile type of people), "His shirt was as dirty as his face, so much so that i considered the fact that he might work in a coal field (mine)" Coal is mined. Wording issues cont.: There are a number of times when you leave in extra words or leave them out. "From what i gathered, the last time she saw her daughter was in a in a (sic) dentist office, let me explain.", "They see me us (sic) as no life creeps who do nothing but stalk people for hours and take pictures", etc. There are other spacing issues, but I feel like the story issues were where the largest issues were present so I'm going to move on to them and suggest you spend more time proof-reading your stories as there are a lot of problems here and I haven't covered them all due to time constraints. Story issues: "Here i am now, 22, with no friends or family to speak of. This is the life of a P.I." This feels like a pretty big stretch to assume that this person who dropped out of high school would be able to get the courses necessary and the experience to have a stable job by the age of 22. For reference, here's a general listing of the requirements to be a private investigator. It's not impossible, but it feels really improbable that they would be a P.I. by this time and have it be so successful that it's self-sustaining. Story issues cont.: You need to space out dialogue so two speakers are never on the same paragraph. This is done to improve story flow and prevent misattribution. Lines like: ""Mama, Trevor keeps teasing me", the lady replied "It's okay honey, i'll deal with him later, now run along". She must have seen the shocked look on my face because she said "Oh so you're here for Sara, well before you take her would you join me inside". I am not that stupid, so i said "I'm good standing out here."" and ""I wanna give it to him", "No i wanna", "Mamma said not to spill it, stop trying to take it from me"." are the two most prominent examples. Feel free to read other stories on this site or to look at novels or short stories for reference. Story issues cont.: The description for the final fight scene needs a lot of work as it feels like you're leaving parts out entirely. Reading this: "She charged at me, I pulled out my knife and started stabbing violently as she hit the floor." it almost seems like you're leaving out parts of the fight entirely. Lines like this also come across as clunky descriptions. "I slowly realized that it was not a doll, this...... was a corpse. I can't call this thing human, as it looks more like a stuffed doll." Story issues cont.: There is a pretty large disconnect here and for a while, I assumed you accidentally switched up the sections. These are the lines in question: "This woman was a monster, what i saw in her eyes was pure evil." and "When I looked into his eyes I no longer saw evil, I saw loneliness." It feels like you need a lot more justification here for those sentiments as the initial reaction was to a woman kidnapping children whereas the latter is revealed after the P.I. discovers the mummified corpses of his friend's mother and brothers (implying with the brothers that they were killed very shortly after Adrian left). Conclusion: There were other plot issues here, but I'd like to wrap up by focusing on an issue that I noticed near the ending. "There's a fine line between person and monster, and he crossed it. I almost crossed it, Sam almost crossed it, but we're better because we didn't" It really feels like you're trying to make a statement here, but haven't quite built up to it effectively. How was the protagonist almost a monster, how was Sam? Has Sam done anything in the process of the story that is morally ambiguous or even negative? Also, as there really isn't any focus on the protagonist's relationship with his wife and son, this feels like it needs a lot more elaboration. I would strongly suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story as there are quite a lot of mechanical and plot issues here that you've overlooked. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:07, October 18, 2017 (UTC) :I think the story is going to take quite a lot of work and revision. As it stands, the latter half feels pretty rushed and the story issues that are present really do need to be smoothed out. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:19, October 18, 2017 (UTC) ::Currently I feel like that's enough to start with. I can address the issues of the story feeling rushed (especially in the latter half where you really gloss over Adrian's return, the Lamb house, and exactly how Adrian's father has been so successful at kidnapping multiple children without drawing any attention), problems with description/detail, and character development at another time if you decide to revise/re-work your story in the writer's workshop. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:28, October 18, 2017 (UTC)